I spent the day with my family. My parents, acting like it's my first day of college decided to take me shopping at REI as their going away present. Me, being the cheapest person about paying for necessities, and usually spending my money on coffee, restaurants, gas, beer and parking tickets, found this a rather painful experience. However, people always want to know: How can you afford to travel? Alright, it isn't expensive, but it does cost money (and since I put off committing to a job until I knew what my travel plans were going to be, I did accept outside parental support funds). Here's a breakdown to the point of departure:
Airline Ticket (Denver- London- Tel Aviv- London): $1085, Wholesale-tickets.com
Conference Cost: $1050
Passport (x2, expedited processing and shipping): $315
Backpack: $239
Hiking Shoes (Sample): $30
Travel Guides: $109
Rain Jacket: $99
Light T-Shirt (Used): $8
1.5 lb Sleeping Bag (Used): $48
2.5 lb Tent: $200
Desert- Style Long- Sleeve Shirt: $49
1.1 lb Sleeping Mat: $45
Nylon Capri Pants (Used): $32
Nylon Zip- Off Pants (Used): $22
Climbing Shoes (Used): $30
Socks: $5.49
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Fears and Following your Heart
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. Cor 13
...Why do we so consistently underestimate the value of words? Words can comfort and destroy, begin and end... they can change everything.
...
It is late, and I am spending my last night up, trying to pack and feeling completely overwhelmed, alone, upset and terrified of what may lie before me. However, I hesitate even as I type...
What am I afraid of exactly?
- I am afraid I made a mistake in quitting my job before finding another (when it took 50 applications and 6 months for me to find it in the first place).
- I am afraid I will be alone... and I don't want travel alone.
- I am afraid I will spend all my money and never make it back, that I will pack too little or too much, and that I will get stranded and waste my time.
- I am afraid I will be scorned for traveling and be thought of as frittering away my time.
- I am afraid that I won't be working or close to getting a "real job," and I will have to depend on others, the Universe and God far, losing my independence and pride.
- I am afraid I will forget who I am without my family, home, cell phone and possessions.
- I am afraid I won't be able to formulate a purpose to my adventure.
- I am afraid I am running away from not settling down and making a life for myself in Colorado, and that I will miss out on something by leaving.
- I am afraid that I will not fit in amongst the highly religious environment.
But you know what? I am about to do what I have been dreaming of and pining about for the past two years... I finally am heeding that voice that has been whispering in my ear, "Patience, you will go at the right moment. In the meantime, keep trying, keep listening and prepare..."
I'm sick to my stomach with fear because I am doing the thing I am most afraid to do, which is also the thing I know in my heart I must do. The truth is, I am following my heart, and this is what following your heart, instead of your fears, feels like when you are out of practice.
And that brings me such immense gladness, freedom and joy that the peace finally begins to flow from my chest to my throat, releasing the tightness, from my throat to my mouth, freeing my smile, from my smile to my temples, relaxing my worry lines. Today, I sing.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
What to make of it all?
At this point, cramming my mind with books about Jerusalem, Beirut, Palestine and peace, I'm struggling to know what to make of it all... and to understand what to do with myself in the final week before my departure. I once wrote of feeling the sweat fall off Peace's brow, for it is not without immense effort and campaign that Order is elected chief. As an American woman, my life is simple... if not without excitement. My bills are taken care of, my new job seems promising, I know that I would receive the best of health care, should I need it, and the grocery store across the street is stocked full. My family and friends are safe, my home is securely paid for and our war is happening a million miles away, fought by men and women I'll probably never even meet.
What more could I ask for?
How about the world?
What more could I ask for?
How about the world?
Monday, June 29, 2009
God is not an emotion
I've imagined that finding God is like finding happiness amidst a dark and unending depression. However, God is not an emotion... God is present in the darkest and angriest of times, times of great evil and times of immense glory. God is present when we are joyous and when we are grieving, when we are awake and in the full of life, and in our agonal gasps of death. God is there both as we sin and as we ask for forgiveness, as we falter and as we pray for strength.
So, if not by the singing of our hearts, how do we know when we've, "found God?" Is it truly only when we find ourselves pressed against the cold floor of a cell, alone and ostracized by all, imprisoned without hope, that we can clearly experience that perfect expression of peace? Why is it that we find God when we could not be more replete with strife, oppression and anguish?
So, if not by the singing of our hearts, how do we know when we've, "found God?" Is it truly only when we find ourselves pressed against the cold floor of a cell, alone and ostracized by all, imprisoned without hope, that we can clearly experience that perfect expression of peace? Why is it that we find God when we could not be more replete with strife, oppression and anguish?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Scholarship to Sabeel Conference
Every morning I pray the same prayer, "Lord, guide me, fill my heart and let me live in service to you. Light the next step on my path and give me the strength to take that step." My prayers have been answered, and my patience has been tried. The darkness has not quite risen from my course, but I have finally received enough light to guide me.
At this point, I have only had a vague dream of going to the Middle East for the past two years, if not ten. I have not known how or why or where or when, but this vision has stopped me in my tracks from moving on in my life. The truth is, God put this dream into my heart, and one cannot fool her heart, and He has now made it possible through the Friends of Sabeel-North America www.fosna.org.
After seeing a presentation on a pilgrimage to Israel at St. Mary Magdalene's Episcopal Church in Gunbarrel, Colorado nearly two months ago, I expressed my interest to the presenter in visiting Israel with a Christian group.
To be clear, I hesitate to affiliate myself with any religion, as I believe these ties to doctrine can alienate us from one another even more than bring us together. It is difficult to align oneself with Christianity when followers have shown themselves to support war, oppress homosexuals and blatantly disrespect followers of other faiths. As one who morally opposes war and supports civil rights for every human being, regardless of race, religion, sex or sexual orientation, I perpetually hesitate before identifying myself as Christian. However, faith supercedes religion, and my soul has yet to lose faith.
Raised Episcopalian that faith often finds a well worn path to my heart through the church. Thus, I knew that while I may not always find myself in agreement with my fellow Christian pilgrims, I would find comfort amongst them in a strange land with strange customs. The presenter, Rev. Mike Houlik, suggested that I contact the leader from his group, a kind woman who has led pilgrimages and visited Israel a number of times. Approximately four days ago, she pointed me in the direction of the 4th Annual Sabeel Youth Conference, and recommended that I apply.
I stalled. Not knowing whether or not this was the answer to my prayers, and having very little information about the contents of the conference I decided to just wait and see, making a few inqiries to individuals she had put me in contact with. Finally, through a series of now untraceable contacts, I found myself on the phone with a man in Pomona, California, who informed me that he was responsible for issuing scholarships to Conference goers through FOSNA. He also suggested that I finish my application quickly, as the acceptance deadline was within a matter of two hours.
Without a moment to hesitate, I did as he suggested and sent off my application, rapidly filling out questions about my age, profession, references and completing two essays regarding why I was interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict and how I intended to bring information gained at the conference back to the United States. I promised them that I was surely passionate about the plight of Christian Palestinians and that I fully intended on keeping a blog about the goings on at Sabeel. Well, I only lied on one of the essays...
The truth is, I suppose I'm interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict, but I don't really know much about the matter. It is constantly in the news, yes, but I hear the words, "Gaza Strip... West Bank... Palestine...." and switch the station. Without a personal relationship to the region, and it being a relatively small area of the globe, I have disengaged myself from it entirely. Plus, the news seems to be very important, but equally redudant, "bombs dropping... peace aggreements and negotiations in the works... fighting over settlements," etc. It's difficult to keep track of, and, when I do start to get a grasp on the issue at hand, I am so repulsed that I once again quickly lose interest.
I have a feeling that the peaceful and distanced apathy is about to give way to a passionate adventure. Today, I recieved an e-mail granting me a $2000 scholarship to help cover my airfare ($1000+) and conference fee ($1005) from the FOSNA. It is unbelievable to me at this point. Perhaps, when I wake up and realize this is not a dream any longer, but reality, I will grasp that this is a thing actually occuring.
At this point, I have only had a vague dream of going to the Middle East for the past two years, if not ten. I have not known how or why or where or when, but this vision has stopped me in my tracks from moving on in my life. The truth is, God put this dream into my heart, and one cannot fool her heart, and He has now made it possible through the Friends of Sabeel-North America www.fosna.org.
After seeing a presentation on a pilgrimage to Israel at St. Mary Magdalene's Episcopal Church in Gunbarrel, Colorado nearly two months ago, I expressed my interest to the presenter in visiting Israel with a Christian group.
To be clear, I hesitate to affiliate myself with any religion, as I believe these ties to doctrine can alienate us from one another even more than bring us together. It is difficult to align oneself with Christianity when followers have shown themselves to support war, oppress homosexuals and blatantly disrespect followers of other faiths. As one who morally opposes war and supports civil rights for every human being, regardless of race, religion, sex or sexual orientation, I perpetually hesitate before identifying myself as Christian. However, faith supercedes religion, and my soul has yet to lose faith.
Raised Episcopalian that faith often finds a well worn path to my heart through the church. Thus, I knew that while I may not always find myself in agreement with my fellow Christian pilgrims, I would find comfort amongst them in a strange land with strange customs. The presenter, Rev. Mike Houlik, suggested that I contact the leader from his group, a kind woman who has led pilgrimages and visited Israel a number of times. Approximately four days ago, she pointed me in the direction of the 4th Annual Sabeel Youth Conference, and recommended that I apply.
I stalled. Not knowing whether or not this was the answer to my prayers, and having very little information about the contents of the conference I decided to just wait and see, making a few inqiries to individuals she had put me in contact with. Finally, through a series of now untraceable contacts, I found myself on the phone with a man in Pomona, California, who informed me that he was responsible for issuing scholarships to Conference goers through FOSNA. He also suggested that I finish my application quickly, as the acceptance deadline was within a matter of two hours.
Without a moment to hesitate, I did as he suggested and sent off my application, rapidly filling out questions about my age, profession, references and completing two essays regarding why I was interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict and how I intended to bring information gained at the conference back to the United States. I promised them that I was surely passionate about the plight of Christian Palestinians and that I fully intended on keeping a blog about the goings on at Sabeel. Well, I only lied on one of the essays...
The truth is, I suppose I'm interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict, but I don't really know much about the matter. It is constantly in the news, yes, but I hear the words, "Gaza Strip... West Bank... Palestine...." and switch the station. Without a personal relationship to the region, and it being a relatively small area of the globe, I have disengaged myself from it entirely. Plus, the news seems to be very important, but equally redudant, "bombs dropping... peace aggreements and negotiations in the works... fighting over settlements," etc. It's difficult to keep track of, and, when I do start to get a grasp on the issue at hand, I am so repulsed that I once again quickly lose interest.
I have a feeling that the peaceful and distanced apathy is about to give way to a passionate adventure. Today, I recieved an e-mail granting me a $2000 scholarship to help cover my airfare ($1000+) and conference fee ($1005) from the FOSNA. It is unbelievable to me at this point. Perhaps, when I wake up and realize this is not a dream any longer, but reality, I will grasp that this is a thing actually occuring.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Diary Entry 1
The rain poured all night, lightning striking the backyard, and drops falling like an event, like something important.
Strangely, no one talks about war, they only report "on war," it is simply an essential part of the news. However, what is it that causes men to kill one another, and to risk their lives? Where do these murderous/suicidal impulses arise? The first answer that jumps to mind is: simplicity. Ending a life does not take much, and ending many is far simpler than just one.
Strangely, no one talks about war, they only report "on war," it is simply an essential part of the news. However, what is it that causes men to kill one another, and to risk their lives? Where do these murderous/suicidal impulses arise? The first answer that jumps to mind is: simplicity. Ending a life does not take much, and ending many is far simpler than just one.
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