I've imagined that finding God is like finding happiness amidst a dark and unending depression. However, God is not an emotion... God is present in the darkest and angriest of times, times of great evil and times of immense glory. God is present when we are joyous and when we are grieving, when we are awake and in the full of life, and in our agonal gasps of death. God is there both as we sin and as we ask for forgiveness, as we falter and as we pray for strength.
So, if not by the singing of our hearts, how do we know when we've, "found God?" Is it truly only when we find ourselves pressed against the cold floor of a cell, alone and ostracized by all, imprisoned without hope, that we can clearly experience that perfect expression of peace? Why is it that we find God when we could not be more replete with strife, oppression and anguish?
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Scholarship to Sabeel Conference
Every morning I pray the same prayer, "Lord, guide me, fill my heart and let me live in service to you. Light the next step on my path and give me the strength to take that step." My prayers have been answered, and my patience has been tried. The darkness has not quite risen from my course, but I have finally received enough light to guide me.
At this point, I have only had a vague dream of going to the Middle East for the past two years, if not ten. I have not known how or why or where or when, but this vision has stopped me in my tracks from moving on in my life. The truth is, God put this dream into my heart, and one cannot fool her heart, and He has now made it possible through the Friends of Sabeel-North America www.fosna.org.
After seeing a presentation on a pilgrimage to Israel at St. Mary Magdalene's Episcopal Church in Gunbarrel, Colorado nearly two months ago, I expressed my interest to the presenter in visiting Israel with a Christian group.
To be clear, I hesitate to affiliate myself with any religion, as I believe these ties to doctrine can alienate us from one another even more than bring us together. It is difficult to align oneself with Christianity when followers have shown themselves to support war, oppress homosexuals and blatantly disrespect followers of other faiths. As one who morally opposes war and supports civil rights for every human being, regardless of race, religion, sex or sexual orientation, I perpetually hesitate before identifying myself as Christian. However, faith supercedes religion, and my soul has yet to lose faith.
Raised Episcopalian that faith often finds a well worn path to my heart through the church. Thus, I knew that while I may not always find myself in agreement with my fellow Christian pilgrims, I would find comfort amongst them in a strange land with strange customs. The presenter, Rev. Mike Houlik, suggested that I contact the leader from his group, a kind woman who has led pilgrimages and visited Israel a number of times. Approximately four days ago, she pointed me in the direction of the 4th Annual Sabeel Youth Conference, and recommended that I apply.
I stalled. Not knowing whether or not this was the answer to my prayers, and having very little information about the contents of the conference I decided to just wait and see, making a few inqiries to individuals she had put me in contact with. Finally, through a series of now untraceable contacts, I found myself on the phone with a man in Pomona, California, who informed me that he was responsible for issuing scholarships to Conference goers through FOSNA. He also suggested that I finish my application quickly, as the acceptance deadline was within a matter of two hours.
Without a moment to hesitate, I did as he suggested and sent off my application, rapidly filling out questions about my age, profession, references and completing two essays regarding why I was interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict and how I intended to bring information gained at the conference back to the United States. I promised them that I was surely passionate about the plight of Christian Palestinians and that I fully intended on keeping a blog about the goings on at Sabeel. Well, I only lied on one of the essays...
The truth is, I suppose I'm interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict, but I don't really know much about the matter. It is constantly in the news, yes, but I hear the words, "Gaza Strip... West Bank... Palestine...." and switch the station. Without a personal relationship to the region, and it being a relatively small area of the globe, I have disengaged myself from it entirely. Plus, the news seems to be very important, but equally redudant, "bombs dropping... peace aggreements and negotiations in the works... fighting over settlements," etc. It's difficult to keep track of, and, when I do start to get a grasp on the issue at hand, I am so repulsed that I once again quickly lose interest.
I have a feeling that the peaceful and distanced apathy is about to give way to a passionate adventure. Today, I recieved an e-mail granting me a $2000 scholarship to help cover my airfare ($1000+) and conference fee ($1005) from the FOSNA. It is unbelievable to me at this point. Perhaps, when I wake up and realize this is not a dream any longer, but reality, I will grasp that this is a thing actually occuring.
At this point, I have only had a vague dream of going to the Middle East for the past two years, if not ten. I have not known how or why or where or when, but this vision has stopped me in my tracks from moving on in my life. The truth is, God put this dream into my heart, and one cannot fool her heart, and He has now made it possible through the Friends of Sabeel-North America www.fosna.org.
After seeing a presentation on a pilgrimage to Israel at St. Mary Magdalene's Episcopal Church in Gunbarrel, Colorado nearly two months ago, I expressed my interest to the presenter in visiting Israel with a Christian group.
To be clear, I hesitate to affiliate myself with any religion, as I believe these ties to doctrine can alienate us from one another even more than bring us together. It is difficult to align oneself with Christianity when followers have shown themselves to support war, oppress homosexuals and blatantly disrespect followers of other faiths. As one who morally opposes war and supports civil rights for every human being, regardless of race, religion, sex or sexual orientation, I perpetually hesitate before identifying myself as Christian. However, faith supercedes religion, and my soul has yet to lose faith.
Raised Episcopalian that faith often finds a well worn path to my heart through the church. Thus, I knew that while I may not always find myself in agreement with my fellow Christian pilgrims, I would find comfort amongst them in a strange land with strange customs. The presenter, Rev. Mike Houlik, suggested that I contact the leader from his group, a kind woman who has led pilgrimages and visited Israel a number of times. Approximately four days ago, she pointed me in the direction of the 4th Annual Sabeel Youth Conference, and recommended that I apply.
I stalled. Not knowing whether or not this was the answer to my prayers, and having very little information about the contents of the conference I decided to just wait and see, making a few inqiries to individuals she had put me in contact with. Finally, through a series of now untraceable contacts, I found myself on the phone with a man in Pomona, California, who informed me that he was responsible for issuing scholarships to Conference goers through FOSNA. He also suggested that I finish my application quickly, as the acceptance deadline was within a matter of two hours.
Without a moment to hesitate, I did as he suggested and sent off my application, rapidly filling out questions about my age, profession, references and completing two essays regarding why I was interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict and how I intended to bring information gained at the conference back to the United States. I promised them that I was surely passionate about the plight of Christian Palestinians and that I fully intended on keeping a blog about the goings on at Sabeel. Well, I only lied on one of the essays...
The truth is, I suppose I'm interested in the Palestinian- Israel conflict, but I don't really know much about the matter. It is constantly in the news, yes, but I hear the words, "Gaza Strip... West Bank... Palestine...." and switch the station. Without a personal relationship to the region, and it being a relatively small area of the globe, I have disengaged myself from it entirely. Plus, the news seems to be very important, but equally redudant, "bombs dropping... peace aggreements and negotiations in the works... fighting over settlements," etc. It's difficult to keep track of, and, when I do start to get a grasp on the issue at hand, I am so repulsed that I once again quickly lose interest.
I have a feeling that the peaceful and distanced apathy is about to give way to a passionate adventure. Today, I recieved an e-mail granting me a $2000 scholarship to help cover my airfare ($1000+) and conference fee ($1005) from the FOSNA. It is unbelievable to me at this point. Perhaps, when I wake up and realize this is not a dream any longer, but reality, I will grasp that this is a thing actually occuring.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Diary Entry 1
The rain poured all night, lightning striking the backyard, and drops falling like an event, like something important.
Strangely, no one talks about war, they only report "on war," it is simply an essential part of the news. However, what is it that causes men to kill one another, and to risk their lives? Where do these murderous/suicidal impulses arise? The first answer that jumps to mind is: simplicity. Ending a life does not take much, and ending many is far simpler than just one.
Strangely, no one talks about war, they only report "on war," it is simply an essential part of the news. However, what is it that causes men to kill one another, and to risk their lives? Where do these murderous/suicidal impulses arise? The first answer that jumps to mind is: simplicity. Ending a life does not take much, and ending many is far simpler than just one.
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