My horoscope has requested I reflect upon this year. It started on a beach in Kauai, after roaming through a labyrinth, waiting for Veneta to make her intentions clear to the Universe. I wore my black dress, pulled my hair down and Emanuel picked V, Anna and I up from our house in Kapahi. We barbecued on the beach. Emanuel had purchased far too many drinks, supplies and food- a child with a bank account, trying to make friends. I was disappointed. A phrase that sums up my year perfectly: disappointment. I wanted to go to a party in Moloaa, one that I had been looking forward to for weeks. My friends were not interested. Unwilling to go it alone, afraid of getting trapped at the party, with no where to sleep, I chose to spend it with them, unhappily, begrudgingly.
This is one pattern that has emerged over and over again: unwilling to make my own plans, then feeling resentful and disappointed with the plans that are made for me. This tack does not make friends.
As always, the ocean was beautiful and the black sky full of stars. It was not a warm night, so we huddled close to the embers. I find myself often looking into the flickering fire, hoping a vision of guidance will emerge, ancestors who find a channel to talk to me, like Uncle Sirius in Harry Potter appearing in the flames of his school hearth.
Finally, Emanuel took us home. I slept on the air mattress and felt deeply unsettled at making a decision for the upcoming month.
As I write this in the chilly cafe two little girls sip their juice and look at me imploringly. I wish I could have their simplicity of thoughts. Just today. Focusing on where to find a seat, not to figure out the rest of their lives, but to simply enjoy an outing with their father.
When Deborah returned she asked me whether I would stay or go. I replied that I would stay, feeling desperate. Desperate, disappointed, diligent, devoted... beloved. Beloved. Devoleb... devolved.
I stayed with Deborah for another month.
Interesting name.
That month I panicked. I didn't have a way to
