New Years Eve

New Year's Eve, 2012

My horoscope has requested I reflect upon this year. It started on a beach in Kauai, after roaming through a labyrinth, waiting for Veneta to make her intentions clear to the Universe. I wore my black dress, pulled my hair down and Emanuel picked V,  Anna and I up from our house in Kapahi. We barbecued on the beach. Emanuel had purchased far too many drinks, supplies and food- a child with a bank account, trying to make friends. I was disappointed. A phrase that sums up my year perfectly: disappointment. I wanted to go to a party in Moloaa, one that I had been looking forward to for weeks. My friends were not interested. Unwilling to go it alone, afraid of getting trapped at the party, with no where to sleep, I chose to spend it with them, unhappily, begrudgingly. 

This is one pattern that has emerged over and over again: unwilling to make my own plans, then feeling resentful and disappointed with the plans that are made for me. This tack does not make friends. 

As always, the ocean was beautiful and the black sky full of stars. It was not a warm night, so we huddled close to the embers. I find myself often looking into the flickering fire, hoping a vision of guidance will emerge, ancestors who find a channel to talk to me, like Uncle Sirius in Harry Potter appearing in the flames of his school hearth. 

Finally, Emanuel took us home. I slept on the air mattress and felt deeply unsettled at making a decision for the upcoming month. 

As I write this in the chilly cafe two little girls sip their juice and look at me imploringly. I wish I could have their simplicity of thoughts. Just today. Focusing on where to find a seat, not to figure out the rest of their lives, but to simply enjoy an outing with their father. 

When Deborah returned she asked me whether I would stay or go. I replied that I would stay, feeling desperate.  Desperate, disappointed, diligent, devoted... beloved. Beloved. Devoleb... devolved. 

I stayed with Deborah for another month. 

Interesting name. 

That month I panicked. I didn't have a way to 

I actually was looking up an old blog I had started to discuss my journey and decided to post a note of hope here for those who are newly diagnosed (or just needing some inspiration). 

So, in short, my symptoms are now nearly 100% in remission. 

I was diagnosed in mid 2009 with vulvodynia and IC. Dear Lord. Sex became excruciating somewhere around January 2009. I had been diagnosed with BV in the months before that, and while taking some antibiotics helped, the pain always returned. When I met my boyfriend in August of 2009 I started having the all too familiar UTI symptoms... without the infection. One morning in November 2009 it became incessant. Truly, I could not leave the bathroom for an entire day and was confined to my room for about two months, fearful of being far from a bathroom. My urethra was burning, I had a constant urge to pee and it felt as though my bladder was on fire. You know the drill, I'm sure! 

I moved in with my parents shortly after the symptoms began in full force. I gave up on life. I dumped my boyfriend, refused to get a job and devoted myself to finding a cure. My diagnosis was dire: IC. It will never go away. Well, I went to acupuncturists, IC specialists, surgeons, doctors, naturopaths, ayurvedic practitioners, massage therapists and psychics! HELP!!!!! No one could. Truly, nothing changed the pain I experienced day after day, every single time I peed. I changed my diet, fasted for two weeks on juice and one week only on water, moved, got a job, lost a job, tried different partners, started meditating, prayed my heart out, was celibate for a year, ate every herb I could find, tried douches and filled my medicine cabinet with various creams, pads and liquids. Truly, I think I spent somewhere around $20,000. Holy ****. Nothing made it worse. Nothing made it better. In May of 2010 I started experiencing rectal pain... and I spent a day screaming. Okay. It was bad. 

About a year ago I moved to Kauai. There, I met an exorcist who prayed with me daily in the name of Yeshua. I simply asked God to reveal to me, in the presence of another individual, barriers between me and Him (the Source), curses placed upon me, and any spirits associated with them. We renounced the barriers, we broke the curses and he rebuked the spirits in my soul. Listen, I was not quite a believer in exactly this sort of thing beforehand, but slowly I felt transformed. By the time I left the island, after about seven months, the pain was ever present but no longer plagued my thoughts and brought me down into a lowly depression as it had before. I had simply begun to accept that the pain was not something I could cause, cure or control. If I could, I would have! I simply turned my focus back on taking care of myself... a totally different thing than trying to change the pain I was in actually. I started treating myself with a little more love, like taking a hot bath and nurturing my body, as I would a suffering friend. Gradually, the pain ebbed. 

I moved back in with my parents about seven months ago. It's been a tough summer and fall, full of stress and challenges. I still experience pain from time to time (around my period, if I drink a seltzer water, if I'm dehydrated), but, weirdly, it's at about 5% of what it was. There are now times in which I can pee pain free. Whoa. Plus, I can have amazing sex again without suffering dramatically the next day. What can I say? This is something myself am struggling to believe, day to day. Little by little. However, I must let you know that there is hope. If you are a person who prays, perhaps find a good friend or priest to pray with you.