Looking over this blog, I can see that it is more of a diary than anything else. A place for me to record me. Many people will say that your blog should have a theme, and perhaps they are correct, but I am a person, full of seemingly random ideas and experiences, and the only theme, within all those dots, is that when you connect them you get me. A unique woman who is transforming from a girl right before your eyes.
I am so grateful to be me, to write how and what I write, with no person to say yay or nay. It seems everything is open to improvement, but i feel okay with this space here, just to write how I see fit, no edits or changes afoot.
The dog bit my finger right before she died. It hurt unbelievably badly, as she got me in quite a tender and sensitive spot, plunging her molar right into my soft nailbed of my pointer finger. The beautiful thing is that I am typing nearly as quickly even without the use of that finger. My middle finger is taking over for the index, and it seems almost miraculous. Also, the finger no longer hurts.
I am using Makuna Honey, an elixer I bought for $20 at Vitamin Cottage instead of the amoxicillin my doctor prescribed. The wound is showing daily improvements, no sign of infection and ever diminishing pain. It is a wonder to be able to treat yourself, and watch your body heal.
I am a woman who seems to be eternally surprising myself these days. Every accomplishment feels like a baby taking its first steps, just totally unique and as moments to be recorded in the annals of a family history. I feel like I am taking breaths for the first time, as though I have been underwater for months and truly enjoy the experience of every inhalation. It feels fresh, and I can feel my body move with it's ins and outs. Somehow the exhale doesn't feel as refreshing, as though I long only to inhale. Such a strange sensation, to only want part of your breathing.
I am tired now. Perhaps a bit panicked by these small successes. I must take them in stride, yet I want to remember them.
Today I was 134 lbs. A full 13 pounds lighter than I was three months ago. It feels great. Truly, I feel I have miraculously shed some spiritual burdens that had been weighing on me for years.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
The Cage
Today I awoke at 1 p.m. after suffering through terrible dreams of an endless cage, bottomless and topless, extending into infinity. The people in the wire cage, which was situated in the middle of a house, had been put there by a magic spell, they had just been zapped into it. When I was in it, looking up and looking down, I was also outside of it, as though I had just stepped in by choice and was able to leave when it terrified me. The "master" or evil wizard was zapping people back in who had been trapped in other places in the house in "solitary confinement." It was disturbing to see that they had been changed indefinitely by this unjust punishment, and one, I remember, was trapped in a kitchen vent. I think they were all zapped out eventually, but the "master" just wanted to show he had power.
Another segment of the dream included a man from that group of people. He and I each had a baby. He said he was going to shave his baby, so we each got razors. When I went to clean mine, I heard a voice saying that it was "just a baby," and needed every part of itself to grow, it didn't need to have anything cut away from it. I saw a red bump on the baby's leg, like an ingrown hair, and it did have hairy legs, but I knew it didn't need me to do anything about that. I got some soap and poured it on the baby's legs, but I didn't have water to wash the soap off, and something told me I was doing this wrong.
In the meantime, I had unwrapped a piece of candy, which was in the shape of a mushroom, but it was made of something that I had to bite at and chip away at, like hard white chocolate. I realized I was feeding my hunger with the same thoughts I was going to shave the baby with.
Here's what one site says about a wire cage dream, which is extremely accurate and in line with my ayurvedic prescription, an imbalance of Pitta.
http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/cage-cell/
Another segment of the dream included a man from that group of people. He and I each had a baby. He said he was going to shave his baby, so we each got razors. When I went to clean mine, I heard a voice saying that it was "just a baby," and needed every part of itself to grow, it didn't need to have anything cut away from it. I saw a red bump on the baby's leg, like an ingrown hair, and it did have hairy legs, but I knew it didn't need me to do anything about that. I got some soap and poured it on the baby's legs, but I didn't have water to wash the soap off, and something told me I was doing this wrong.
In the meantime, I had unwrapped a piece of candy, which was in the shape of a mushroom, but it was made of something that I had to bite at and chip away at, like hard white chocolate. I realized I was feeding my hunger with the same thoughts I was going to shave the baby with.
Here's what one site says about a wire cage dream, which is extremely accurate and in line with my ayurvedic prescription, an imbalance of Pitta.
http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/cage-cell/
Cage Cell
This usually points to your feelings of frustration and perhaps anger, or even a sense of defeat or emptiness. The prison in our dreams is of our own making, created out of our attitudes and fears. So it is important to define just what you feel in the cage, and what the associated feelings are with he cage/cell itself, and the other people involved. See: Prison.
If the dreamer is in the cage: Frustration arising from a sense of social pressures restraining expression – or from one’s moral, sexual or conceptual restraints imprisoning one. You might be feeling caged by lack of opportunity or lack of developed abilities. We might however, be choosing to inhibit or restrict an aspect of ourselves. One might restrain anger for instance.
The cell also often depicts how we imprison ourselves within our own anger, resentment, or depressed feelings, or we may be trapped by childhood trauma and be imprisoned by fear of pain or losing love. If a child is in a cell this almost certainly points to this type of imprisonment through emotional pain. See Avoid Being Victims
The cell is also often linked with living a life apart from the normal consumer, nine to five life, and can show a facet of you living a life of meditation or inner seeking.
Example: ““I was in a prison cell with two other men. I felt it was in Spain somewhere. We ate, slept and defecated in the cell. I was standing at the bars of the cell, and had the impression I had been in the prison for years. I was shouting and cursing the people who had put me in the prison, full of hate and self pity.One day as I stood raging at the bars I suddenly realised that my years of shouting had availed nothing. The only person who was upset by it was me. I was the victim of my own anger and turmoil. It was as if I had been haunted all my life by ghosts of anger and passion. I dropped the attitudes or ‘ghosts’ and was free of them. Years went by and one by one I recognised and dropped other habits of and thought that had trapped and tortured me. I realised I could be totally free within myself.One morning I woke and sat up on the mattress on the floor that was my bed. The last ghost of inner entrapment fell away. A fountain of joy opened in my body, pouring upwards through me. It was so intense I cried out. My cell mates called a warden because they thought I had gone mad. They stood looking at me as I experienced radiance so strong I felt as if I must be shining. I was aware my joy poured into them, although they thought I was possibly insane. I could sense the enormous change in me influencing them, and I knew it couldn’t help but change them also. I realised that I might never be released from the prison, but it didn’t matter as I had found a fuller release than simply walking the streets. Even though remaining behind prison bars, I would still be touching people’s lives deeply. Nothing would ever be the same again.”
A cage or cell is often used to show the mind and how we live within certain ideas and beliefs and maybe do not wish to move out of them.
Occasionally it might refer to your rib cage. (Which I had been focusing on in mediation and yoga earlier)
Something or somebody else caged: Desire to restrain whatever is represented by the thing, person, caged.
In a cage with something or somebody else: Pressed into a close relationship or confrontation with the person or thing with you – and it is a situation difficult to escape from.
Useful Questions and Hints:
If I am imprisoned what is it in myself or environment that is holding me?
What does this situation confront me with?
Am I unable to feel really free in the relationship I am in?
What of myself or another am I restraining?
Are the restrictions of this situation made of pain?
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Black Coffee
I love black coffee. I hate it in paper cups.
Today I went to an al-anon meeting on the 2nd step, and I instantly felt overwhelmed. Twelve steps in twelve months, and yet another January has gone by without me admitting my powerlessness... I found myself getting rageful toward my sponsor. She doesn't make time for me, she doesn't go to the meetings I was supposed to go to with her, she hangs up on me and doesn't return my calls, she says she's too busy skiing to talk to me, or too busy with her kids, she doesn't linger after meetings to say hello and never invites me to do things with her. I like her, but all of these things make it impossible for me to trust her and feel like I can call her daily with "the good, the bad and the ugly." I feel hopeless in my program because E___ didn't work out either, and she wasn't exactly the warm, nurturing, generous woman I was looking for. Instead, she was the opposite. E___ the loving ice queen. Her life was falling apart, and she didn't understand my need to have someone there on the other end of the line. Still, I am grateful for her. I love E____ so much more so now for all of her flaws.
One part of me wonders if I am letting go of this sponsor because I don't want to work the program, because she is threatening to make me commit and hold me accountable for my actions. Another part of me acknowledges the reality - this woman has yet to show up for me AND I haven't been pulling my side either. I am terrified to call her. She doesn't pick up and sounds busy. It's terrifying to call a complete stranger with your problems- just opening yourself up for judgement. At the same time, my own issues are cunning and sly. They will evade help, as they always have and always will. My issues run from the call of health, retreating into me, hiding and protecting the ego which is only a facade.
I am envious of the other women in Al Anon who meet with their sponsors for hours at a time, who go on hikes with their sponsors, whose sponsors invite them over for tea while they cry their eyes out. I'm also aware that I have prevented myself from finding someone who is fully in the program because I am not willing to do what it takes, to heed their advice. It feels so confining and I instantly shut down, and start running. And more time goes by...
No, I don't like anyone telling me what to do. Even if it's the right thing to do. I'm stubborn. I assume they don't know what I need and I don't want to listen. They don't know the order of things like I do. And yet, I have to wonder, am I shutting God out?
Another part of me knows I am choosing sponsors who will participate in my lackadaisical participation in Al Anon. Yes, I go to meetings, but I won't follow the simple orders. No major changes. Don't go see M___. Don't move. Don't travel. Get a job. Be self-sufficient. Stay in the same place.
Why? It goes against my instincts entirely. What do my instincts say? Well, they say, don't worry, we'll take care of you. But they don't, and here I am, alone, day after day after day, trying to guide my family, trying to let go, but clinging on like a mother fucker. Why? What am I getting rather. Someone recently told me, don't ask why, ask what and where....
What do I want? I want to be left alone and I want to be surrounded by friends. I want to work but I want my time to be my own. I want black coffee, but I want it in a glass mug with a perfect lid that keeps the heat in (great invention). I want to feel free in my heart, head and mind to let go and to take care of myself. I want to be organized, efficient and a great planner... I want to do what I said I was going to do when I said I was going to do it. I want to use my buddy pass.... LORD I WANT TO USE MY BUDDY PASS TO TRAVEL THE WORLD LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!o1i18-4481-5 Does that make sense to you Lord? What do I need to do to get there? Where do I need to go? Where is my heart? What is holding me back, day after day? I am choosing days of pain and where is my strength? Where is my support? Am I alone here? Do I have faith in God? or don't I.... Clearly my sponsor and all of these helpful people are only speaking the words of my own heart. Get out. Get out of here. Stop living in pain. Stop choosing pain just because you are afraid. What would you do if fear was not an issue... I'm banging my keys so hard I might just break them. I have never typed so freaking furiously in my life, as though my life depends on the answers to these questions, and I can feel myself about to give up, I can feel myself about to get up and walk away, instead of finding the answers.
This is hard, this is boring, your hot coffee is getting cold, something even more distasteful in a paper cup... yuck. Where is Tomas, where are my guides? I can't do this anymore and I don't want to do this for another moment, but like someone hanging from a cliff, I can't let go to find out the ground was only an inch beneath me the whole time. I will learn and I will change. Like A___ who kept putting the same things down the garbage disposal! I don't want to put my freaking life down the garbage disposal, my opportunities, my beauty, my youth, my vision, my GIFTS from god, because that's not what's meant to go down there... and yet...
This intensity cannot be sustained... It is exhausting to pound and pound and pound and pound. It gets things done, but only in spontaneous spurts, and can any problem worth solving be solved in a day? Or must it just be chipped and chipped away. I see myself skating on an ice rink, around a pond, just skating at the bottom. No money, no friends, no home, no car, no happiness, no freedom, no hope, no joy, no place to go but round and round and round. I keep looking up into the sky, hoping some hand or helicopter will finally find me and lift me out of this place, take me somewhere warm, someplace I understand, some place I can move, some place with fluidity. But, instead, I see myself taking off a skate, kneeling on the ice and chipping away at it, hacking my way through the cold, old layers bit by little bit, chip by chip by chip. It's exhausting. My hands hurt from the cold, my knees ache. I need to take breaks, but eventually I can see the thinnest layer, the fish swimming beneath, the life that's been under my feet the whole time. I break it away, and plunge into the depths. It's bracingly cold, and shocking to the senses, but I'm alive, and I will be warm soon. I feel the truth of life surround me. I've made it to a nourishing place... and maybe I don't need to jump in. Maybe I'll do that later. Maybe now I just need to grab a line and bait, to catch some fish and bring them in.
What a dream.
Today I went to an al-anon meeting on the 2nd step, and I instantly felt overwhelmed. Twelve steps in twelve months, and yet another January has gone by without me admitting my powerlessness... I found myself getting rageful toward my sponsor. She doesn't make time for me, she doesn't go to the meetings I was supposed to go to with her, she hangs up on me and doesn't return my calls, she says she's too busy skiing to talk to me, or too busy with her kids, she doesn't linger after meetings to say hello and never invites me to do things with her. I like her, but all of these things make it impossible for me to trust her and feel like I can call her daily with "the good, the bad and the ugly." I feel hopeless in my program because E___ didn't work out either, and she wasn't exactly the warm, nurturing, generous woman I was looking for. Instead, she was the opposite. E___ the loving ice queen. Her life was falling apart, and she didn't understand my need to have someone there on the other end of the line. Still, I am grateful for her. I love E____ so much more so now for all of her flaws.
One part of me wonders if I am letting go of this sponsor because I don't want to work the program, because she is threatening to make me commit and hold me accountable for my actions. Another part of me acknowledges the reality - this woman has yet to show up for me AND I haven't been pulling my side either. I am terrified to call her. She doesn't pick up and sounds busy. It's terrifying to call a complete stranger with your problems- just opening yourself up for judgement. At the same time, my own issues are cunning and sly. They will evade help, as they always have and always will. My issues run from the call of health, retreating into me, hiding and protecting the ego which is only a facade.
I am envious of the other women in Al Anon who meet with their sponsors for hours at a time, who go on hikes with their sponsors, whose sponsors invite them over for tea while they cry their eyes out. I'm also aware that I have prevented myself from finding someone who is fully in the program because I am not willing to do what it takes, to heed their advice. It feels so confining and I instantly shut down, and start running. And more time goes by...
No, I don't like anyone telling me what to do. Even if it's the right thing to do. I'm stubborn. I assume they don't know what I need and I don't want to listen. They don't know the order of things like I do. And yet, I have to wonder, am I shutting God out?
Another part of me knows I am choosing sponsors who will participate in my lackadaisical participation in Al Anon. Yes, I go to meetings, but I won't follow the simple orders. No major changes. Don't go see M___. Don't move. Don't travel. Get a job. Be self-sufficient. Stay in the same place.
Why? It goes against my instincts entirely. What do my instincts say? Well, they say, don't worry, we'll take care of you. But they don't, and here I am, alone, day after day after day, trying to guide my family, trying to let go, but clinging on like a mother fucker. Why? What am I getting rather. Someone recently told me, don't ask why, ask what and where....
What do I want? I want to be left alone and I want to be surrounded by friends. I want to work but I want my time to be my own. I want black coffee, but I want it in a glass mug with a perfect lid that keeps the heat in (great invention). I want to feel free in my heart, head and mind to let go and to take care of myself. I want to be organized, efficient and a great planner... I want to do what I said I was going to do when I said I was going to do it. I want to use my buddy pass.... LORD I WANT TO USE MY BUDDY PASS TO TRAVEL THE WORLD LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!o1i18-4481-5 Does that make sense to you Lord? What do I need to do to get there? Where do I need to go? Where is my heart? What is holding me back, day after day? I am choosing days of pain and where is my strength? Where is my support? Am I alone here? Do I have faith in God? or don't I.... Clearly my sponsor and all of these helpful people are only speaking the words of my own heart. Get out. Get out of here. Stop living in pain. Stop choosing pain just because you are afraid. What would you do if fear was not an issue... I'm banging my keys so hard I might just break them. I have never typed so freaking furiously in my life, as though my life depends on the answers to these questions, and I can feel myself about to give up, I can feel myself about to get up and walk away, instead of finding the answers.
This is hard, this is boring, your hot coffee is getting cold, something even more distasteful in a paper cup... yuck. Where is Tomas, where are my guides? I can't do this anymore and I don't want to do this for another moment, but like someone hanging from a cliff, I can't let go to find out the ground was only an inch beneath me the whole time. I will learn and I will change. Like A___ who kept putting the same things down the garbage disposal! I don't want to put my freaking life down the garbage disposal, my opportunities, my beauty, my youth, my vision, my GIFTS from god, because that's not what's meant to go down there... and yet...
This intensity cannot be sustained... It is exhausting to pound and pound and pound and pound. It gets things done, but only in spontaneous spurts, and can any problem worth solving be solved in a day? Or must it just be chipped and chipped away. I see myself skating on an ice rink, around a pond, just skating at the bottom. No money, no friends, no home, no car, no happiness, no freedom, no hope, no joy, no place to go but round and round and round. I keep looking up into the sky, hoping some hand or helicopter will finally find me and lift me out of this place, take me somewhere warm, someplace I understand, some place I can move, some place with fluidity. But, instead, I see myself taking off a skate, kneeling on the ice and chipping away at it, hacking my way through the cold, old layers bit by little bit, chip by chip by chip. It's exhausting. My hands hurt from the cold, my knees ache. I need to take breaks, but eventually I can see the thinnest layer, the fish swimming beneath, the life that's been under my feet the whole time. I break it away, and plunge into the depths. It's bracingly cold, and shocking to the senses, but I'm alive, and I will be warm soon. I feel the truth of life surround me. I've made it to a nourishing place... and maybe I don't need to jump in. Maybe I'll do that later. Maybe now I just need to grab a line and bait, to catch some fish and bring them in.
What a dream.
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